


Weigh Anchor

by TheDeathEcchi



Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 00:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2171376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeathEcchi/pseuds/TheDeathEcchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple Friday night takes a severely messed up turn when the loaded question is posed; who would any of them hook up with if they were gay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weigh Anchor

"Goddammit, open the fucking door!'

Ryuko Matoi stood outside the palatial Kiryuin estate, fuming. Beside her, Mako, inexplicably wearing a sombrero atop her coconut dad, poked her gently in the shoulder. "Maybe they're not home?"

"Bullshit; I can hear that fucking pink troll snickering on the other side! Hear that, Jakuzure!?" screamed Ryuko, kicking the door again, harder than last time. "You better open this fucking door or I'll break it down!"

"I would appreciate you not making threats towards my ancestral home, sister."

Ryuko whirled around to see Satsuki standing behind her, face impassive as always. In her hands was a bottle of wine with a name Ryuko could barely pronounce, but it looked expensive.

"The hell are _you_ doing here?" asked the red-streaked female.

Satsuki quirked an eyebrow. "I live here."

"That's not what I..." Ryuko groaned and slapped a hand to her face. "Nevermind, forget it. Can you get that bitch to open the door, please? We've been standing out here for like, an hour."

"Fifteen minutes!" corrected Mako, adjusting her hat.

The elder of the sisters regarded the brown-haired girl with a confused look. "Why do you wear that hat?"

"It's a sombrero kind of day." was her very 'Mako' reply.

"I see." Satsuki strolled up to the door, knocking politely. "Nonon, I'm back. I'd appreciate it if you opened the door."

"Sure thing, Satsuki-sa-- _gack!_ " The sound of a body being shoved to the floor cut Nonon off, and Uzu's loud, boisterous voice followed.

"Not so fast! How do we know you're really Satsuki? You could be a spy trying to infiltrate her abode!"

"Sanageyama, open the door." 

"That's exactly what the real Satsuki would say!"

"Fucking Christ, Uzu," snapped Ryuko, having lost he patience. "If I have to spend another minute out here in this freezing-ass weather, I'm gonna shove that kendo sword so far up your--"

The sound of the lock clicking made her stop, and the door swung open to reveal a cheekily-grinning Uzu Sanageyama. "Ladies. Might I take your coats? And everything else?"

Ryuko's reply was a gut punch that had him doubling-over. Mako skipped in happily, Satsuki following close behind. 

"It's like fucking pulling teeth with this guy." grumbled Ryuko. "Where's Ira and Houka?"

"They were in the living room playing video games when I left." spoke Satsuki.

The sound of punches being thrown made Ryuko look back at the door, where Nonon was viciously assaulting Uzu. Or as much as she could, given he was twice her height.

"You ever tackle me like that again you fucking monkey and I'll cut your nuts off and feed them to you! Do you hear me!?"

Hear he could. Reply, he could not, what with Nonon's hands wrapped around his throat like a vise. Satsuki regarded the sight and sighed, making her way to the living room. "Nonon, if you kill him, the it's your responsibility to hide the body. Preferably off the premises."

This is what their Fridays had been like the last couple of weeks. With Ragyo's mad ambition thwarted and COVERS back to being a simple clothing line with no megalomaniacal aspirations (aside from traditional capitalism), the former warriors of Honnouji Academy were free to pursue their own destinies. Gone were the Life Fibers, along with their powers and destiny, and now they could behave as normal kids. And one activity of normal kids, was hanging out.

Satsuki was not privy to the simple task of enjoying company with her friends. She'd spent too long doing things like discussing takeover plans and other methods of subjugation. As such, Ryuko had taken it upon herself to educate her elder sister on the finer points of simply kicking back and relaxing with the special people in her life.

And Nonon.

But she left out that last part.

Her brilliant suggestion had been that they get together once a week. There were no intricate plans or gathering of forces or intelligence, just seven people acting like, well...regular teenagers.

The first week, Satsuki hadn't said a word the entire time, as though she had slipped back into her Honnouji days.

The second week she had been a little more vocal, asking her friends about their lives, getting to know them, more as people rather than subordinates. 

The third week went smoother, and Ryuko had even seen Satsuki smile a few times.

Now they were in the fourth month of their weekly get together, and Satsuki was nearly out of her shell, to the point where she didn't even need to call to confirm the arrival of her friends. It was good for all of them, to enjoy normalcy after the blood-for-blood months at the academy, and though she still looked a tad out of place at times, she was happy, and to Ryuko, that was what mattered.

"Iraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" called out the peppy brunette, prancing down the halls in search of the not-quite-titan. Ryuko smiled and shook her head. The two of them honestly made her sick sometimes. A good sick.

"How long is it they've been dating again?" asked Satsuki as they walked through the mansion.

"Uh...five weeks this Saturday, I think."

"That's good. They appear very happy together."

"You're fucking telling me. Every five seconds she keeps texting me how happy she is with him. 'Ira's so cool! Ira's so polite! Ira's dick is huge! Ira's--"

_crash!_

Ryuko whipped around to see Satsuki, standing stock still, a look of abject horror on her red face. The wine bottle had slipped from her hands and now rested at her feet in a pile of broken glass and potential inebriation. 

"W-What was that last part?" she stammered, praying she hadn't heard what she thought she had. 

"What?" asked Ryuko, raising an eyebrow. "Ira's cool, he's polite, his--" The gears in the red-streaked girl's head clicked, and she realized what she had just uttered. "Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to hear that."

"And yet I did." The elder sister shuddered slightly before quickly resuming her composure. "And now the two of us will never speak of that again.

"Agreed." They shook on it, and the matter was settled.

They finally made it to the living room, where Inumuta and Gamagoori sat upon an enormous, plush couch, fingers tapping away at light speed as they played a game on Satsuki's ceiling-high TV. Mako was latched onto Gamagoori's neck like a koala, watching him play with rapt attention. The dark-skinned youth was playing furiously, face contorted into an intense glare as he tried desperately to obliterate Inumuta's avatar. But the tech-genius was too good, dodging and returning fire faster than Gamagoori could react. Behind his unnecessarily high collar, Ryuko saw traces of a smug smile.

"They've been at it for hours." sighed Satsuki, sounding very much like a mother chastising her sons. "Gamagoori is determined to beat Inumuta at least once."

"What are they even playing?" asked Ryuko.

"A shooting game...Devil Horns 3 or something like that."

"Huh...any other controllers?"

Satsuki pointed to the entertainment center housing the enormous TV. "Top-right drawer."

Ryuko needed no further provocation; she sped off, all but yanking open the door and grabbing a controller, then hopping onto the couch between Inumuta and Gamagoori. "Step aside, boys, and lemme show you how it's done."

"Please, by all means." replied Inumuta condescendingly, primed to deliver an S-Rank ass-whooping.

The ensuing beatdown would be passed down for generations, and spoken in hushed whispers in Tokyo's back alleys. The second Ryuko entered the game, it was as if Ares himself descended upon the battlefield. Inumuta, who had been commanding the game, watched in utter despair as his score plummeted, Ryuko one-shotting his avatar with such speed and skill he'd thought it superhuman. Gamagoori, who had barely held a point score in the single digits, simply cast aside his controller and prayed that he would be able to walk away with some dignity.

And the whole time, Ryuko played with her trademark shit-eating grin, Mako laughing all the while as Inumuta was put in his place.

After the round finished, Ryuko turned to the stunned Inumuta, pulling his face toward her. "So? Was it good for you?"

The bluenette blushed, swatting Ryuko's hand away while the girl laughed. "How did you get so good? I've never seen you play video games before."

"You ain't seen my clit before, either, but that doesn't mean I don't have one."

"Ryuko," Satsuki said with a sternness barely holding back her urge to laugh while Inumuta choked on air. "Please refrain from such crass language in the presence of my friends."

Ryuko rolled her eye but complied, sinking into the couch, happily accepting her role as the game queen. "Fine, fine. And Houka, to answer your question, I own the entire Devil Horns series. I've won two tournaments."

The bespectacled youth glared at the brunette. "You tricked us."

Ryuko stuck out her tongue playfully. "You were having too much fun mercing poor Gamagoori. I figured you deserved a spanking."

"You killed me just as mercilessly as him!" retorted the giant.

"I take no prisoners."

A beat, and the three of them shared a laugh, Inumuta offering his praise at Ryuko's sound domination. They were about to enter a new round when Nonon came in, dragging a half-conscious Sanageyama by the scruff of his neck. "Little pussy can't take a punch from a girl." she hissed, tossing him into a nearby cd tower and sending it toppling on him.

"I could've told you that." laughed Ryuko.

The pinkette was primed to deliver a retort when she caught sight of Mako, a pleased look on her face while she gave Gamagoori a shoulder rub. "Why is the slacker wearing a sombrero?"

"I asked that when she came in." sighed Inumuta. "She still hasn't answered. It's Mako, though, so I guess questioning it is a moot point."

Nonon nodded, deciding that was an acceptable answer.

"Jakuzure, you're so mean..." groaned Uzu from beneath a pile of The Pillows disks. "With an attitude like that, you'll never get married."

"The _**fuck**_ did you say?" There was a dangerous look in Nonon's eyes as she sat in the little ottoman beside the couch, next to Inumuta.

"I'm just saying," Uzu, picking himself up. "Guys don't like girls with personalities like yours. Hell, the only one who could tolerate you is Ryuko, and barely."

Ryuko flushed red as Nonon gagged exaggeratedly. "Me and the scissor bitch? In your dreams, monkey boy."

"Well, actually--"

"Finish that sentence and abandon all hopes of reproducing in the future, Houka."

The bluenette clammed up, zipping his collar shut.

"Hey, wait, what's so wrong with me?" asked Ryuko, Nonon's words finally clicking. "I'm a great catch!"

"You're more like a miss." snickered Nonon. "Even if I _did_ swing that way, I wouldn't go after you if you were the only hole in sixty miles."

"Oh, acting like you're such hot shit." drawled Ryuko, setting aside the controller. A different sort of battle was raging now. "If I was gay, I wouldn't touch you with my Scissor Blade, even in execution mode."

Satsuki watched the argument unfold. She didn't particularly like where this conversation was headed, but she was curious to see the outcome.

"Well, if you were gay, who would you go after?" challenged Nonon. "The slacker?"

Ryuko turned to look at Mako, who waved giddily before returning to rubbing Gamagoori's shoulders, blissfully unaware of both the conversation taking place, and the reddening of Gamagoori's face as he heard every word but refused to react.

"Hell yeah, why not?"

That clearly wasn't the answer Nonon was expecting. She stared at Ryuko slack-jawed, and the corners of Satsuki's mouth turned up ever so slightly; it was rare she got the chance to see the pinkette get checkmated. "W-Wait, seriously!? Why her!?"

"Why not her?" shot back Ryuko, ticking off her fingers. "She's nice, she's cute, she makes me laugh, she's a great cook, and have you seen her tits? They're as big as mine. She's got a sweet ass, too. Hell, if she grows up looking even half as good as her mom--"

"Matoi." Gamagoori finally spoke up in a shaky voice. "I would appreciate you not speaking of my girlfriend in that manner. Especially in my presence."

"Fucking hell, is it 'Pick On Ryuko Day' today?" sighed the brunette, but she relented, to Gamagoori's relief.

Nonon was silent for a full minute before she turned to Inumuta. "Hey! Dog boy! If you were gay, who would you go after?"

Inumuta, who had been listening with rapt attention in regards to Ryuko listing off Mako's qualities, snapped back to reality at Nonon's question. "Gamagoori, of course."

Silence reigned in the living room for a nearly imperceptible amount of time. Empires rose and fall. Galaxies converged into grand cosmic designs. Half-Life 3 came out. "What." Nonon said flatly.

"You asked that if I was homosexual who I would go for." Inumuta pointed to the furiously blushing giant next to him. "I choose Gamagoori."

Nonon's eyes darted between the two for a few seconds. "What the fuck is going on with you two? Is there some kind of freaky threesome thing happening behind the scenes?"

"Watch your tone, Jakuzure!" chided Gamagoori, elevating a few meters. The pinkette ignored him.

"Well," Inumuta explained. "Gamagoori is, as we all know, very capable. As well as honest, stalwart, dependable, and loyal. And from what Mako has mentioned, he has an exceptionally large--"

"Oh, fucking _gross_!" wailed Nonon.

"--heart." Inumuta raised an eyebrow. "Jakuzure, you need to get your mind out of the gutter." He just barely dodged the slap she aimed at him, Ryuko laughing up a storm.

"You're too kind, Inumuta." smiled the blonde youth.

"What about you?" asked Nonon, pointing to Sanageyama, who was looking through Satsuki's cd collection. "And I swear, if you make she smartass comm--"

"Iori." Sanageyama said without skipping a beat. He sighed and turned to Satsuki, oblivious to Nonon's shocked look. "I'm ashamed; nothing by nobodyknows+? I thought I raised you better than that."

"My musical tastes are mine alone." Satsuki said evenly.

"Now, just hold the fuck up!" snapped Nonon, getting the kendo master's attention once more. "Iori? _Iori!?_ How does that even work!?"

"Who did you expect?" snorted the green-haired youth. "Fukuroda?"

Scarlet overtook Nonon's cheeks and she turned away, making Sanageyama burst into laughter. "Oh my god, you did! Spoiler alert: Nonon has some yaoi sports fantasies!"

"Shut up, you damn monkey!"

"That explains why she's so into Haikyuu lately." put in Ryuko, grinning ear to ear.

"Fuck you both. With cactuses." grumbled Nonon.

"What about you, Nonon?"

The pinkette turned to Mako with an incredulous look, as though addressing her was a capital offense. "'What about me' what?"

"If you were gay, who would you go after?"

As though they had released it, Ryuko, Inumuta, and Sanageyama spoke up simultaneously. "Satsuki."

An enraged scream burst from Nonon's mouth and she grabbed Inumuta, throwing him off the couch and lunging at Sanageyama. The kendo expert, having predicted the attack the moment he spoke, dove out of the way, Nonon hanging over the arm of the couch, pink eyes blazing. 

"Hm...I make no objections."

Six pairs of eyes turned to Satsuki, who regarded them impassively. Nonon's face turned as pink as her hair, and her murderous thoughts ebbed away as the brunette's words played over and over again in her head. "W-What?" she squeaked out.

"Nonon, you know how loathe I am to repeat myself." Only Ryuko could see the ghost of a smirk on her face. "I stated that, were I to see women in such a way, and you reciprocated, I would have no objections."

"Translation," spoke Ryuko, relishing this moment. "If the two of you ended up fucking she wouldn't kick you out of bed."

"Charming." The not-quite-smirk widened.

Nonon looked up at Satsuki with wide, shining eyes of admiration (and possible lust), blurting out a shy "Thank you, Satsuki."

"Wait a minute." Inumuta turned to Gamagoori, and the giant could almost _hear_ what the tech genius was thinking. "We have yet to hear from our resident rules enforcer, or his girlfriend." Satsuki also hadn't spoken up, but there was not a force on the planet that could give him the bravery to ask that question.

Gamagoori grew at least four sizes, prepared to deliver a severe tongue-lashing, when Mako piped up. "It'd be my bestie Ryuko, of course!"

Ryuko laughed, putting on he best impression of a posh accent. "Dear me, Ms. Mankanshoku! Not in public! What would people _say?_ " The group, save Gamagoori and Satsuki, burst into laughter.

"Well?" asked Inumuta, lowering his collar to reveal his wicked grin. "We're waiting."

On the spot, and really wishing that this conversation could end, Gamagoori made the horrible, irreparable mistake of saying the first name that popped into his head. "Mikisugi."

Sanageyama's mouth fell into a perfect 'O' of surprise, and Nonon's face turned a perfect shade of red as the rampant yaoi fantasies ran through her brain, a kaleidoscope of glowing nipples and BDSM gear. Satsuki raised a single eyebrow. Ryuko and Mako were laughing like hyenas, the latter falling into a mortified Gamagoori's lap.

Smiling wide enough to split his collar and the heavens, Inumuta turned to Gamagoori, folding his arms in his lap. "More power to the bluenettes."

As the whole group erupted into gales and roars of laughter, Satsuki managed a small chuckle, staring at her friends...no...family, more like, having a good time, happy, she felt her stress and anxieties and troubles melt away, ever so slowly. If this was as normal as they could get, she could get used to it.

"Hey, underachiever, I've been meaning to ask. What the fuck's up with the sombrero?"

Eventually.

**\--END**


End file.
